Incoherent Rambling
by kellegirl
Summary: Sometimes bad ideas need to be shared. M for safety.
1. Chapter 1

_For those who have asked me what the hell is going on in my mind, here is the answer. This is a collection of random thoughts that popped into my head when I was trying to come up with something to write. It also makes me look clinicallly insane so fun there... I've been adding to this periodically for months. If anyone wants to take these and run with them go for it, it's not something that I'm actually going to use them._

_Disclaimer:__ Characters copyright whoever the fuck owns them._

_Warning:__ a bunch of very bad ideas, yaoi, no internal censor, reference to mpreg, and absolutely no editing._

_**My name is pronounced kel, like kill. Not Kelly. Please take that into account before reading this.**_

XxXxXxXxXx

"Did you have to blow up the reactor?" Zack said, scratching the back of his head slightly.

"Yes," Genesis answered before turning on his heel and walking away.

"Alright then…wanna go get waffles?"

XxXxXxXxXx

Kelle walked back and forth in front of the line of video game bishis, whip in hand. "Alright troops, here is your mission if you choose to accept it."

"She makes it sound like we have a choice," Axel whispered to Saix.

"Silence infedel!" Kelle yelled, smacking the redhead on the ass with her whip.

"Ow," Axel whined.

"I said silence!" Kelle waited for the redhead to nod meekly before continuing her march in front of her line of victims. "Alright, the mission. You will pair off and follow this story line. Boy meets boy. Boy likes boy. Other boy likes boy. They get together, they have a fight, they have make up sex, then the end."

"Isn't that a little over done yo?" Reno asked even as he grabbed hold of Cloud.

"Do you really care?" Kelle asked, raising an eyebrow at the redhead.

"Nope."

"I mind!" Cloud yelled as Sephiroth, Zack, and Leon all grabbed hold of him as well.

"Well too freaking bad," Kelle replied, "You're my manwhore, you get to do this story four times. Oh, and you get pregnant."

"WHAT?!"

"Don't worry," Kelle said, waving a hand at the blond as she leaned back slightly, "So does Sephiroth."

"I'm kind of glad she's more interested in FF7 lately," Roxas whispered to Axel as Sephiroth sprouted a wing and tried to bash Kelle with it, "That could be us knocked up."

"Oh don't think KH is safe," Kelle grinned, spinning on her heel to leer at the Kingdom Hearts crowd after stunning Sephiroth with a taser that she produced out of thin air, "Sora is in for a surprise."

Riku looked down at the shocked brunet holding his hand before looking back at the deranged writer. "I'M NOT THE DAD!" he yelled, pushing Sora into Luxord's arms before making a break for it.

"Why do they always try to run?" Kelle sighed, "Get him Saix."

XxXxXxXxXx

Xemnas wandered through the halls of the condo that never was, a bowl of ice cream in one hand, spoon sticking out of his mouth. Saix followed close behind, eyes trained on the ice cream. "I'm not giving you any," Xemnas said around the spoon.

"But I want soooome," Saix whined.

"Bad puppy," the silver haired male said, spinning around to smack the blue haired male on top of his head.

Saix jumped slightly as he was struck before narrowing his eyes. Ten minutes later Saix was the ruler of the condo that never was, Xemnas was tied to the front door, and the neighbors were calling the police about another domestic dispute.

XxXxXxXxXx

"There once was a man from Nantucket," Zack said.

"We know," Angeal muttered, trying to read the report on his desk.

"But do you know what he likes to say?"

"Fuck it," Genesis cried from the hall.

"Oh you already know…" the raven haired youth wilted slightly as the redhead stormed into Angeal's office.

"What? You know what, don't answer that, I don't have time for you Puppy," Genesis said, waving his hand in dismissal, "Angeal, you need to fuck it."

XxXxXxXxXx

Kelle sat at the head of the table for the Evil Crack Writers meeting, watching with disinterest as Wolf tied Kiba up. "We need to set an agenda to these things," she sighed.

XxXxXxXxXx

I like pie…

XxXxXxXxXx

"You have girl hips," Roxas said.

"…no I don't," Axel muttered.

"That pause means you know you have girl hips," Demyx giggled.

"Well you have girl che…fee…hai…personality," the redhead sputtered.

"Nice comeback," Roxas snickered.

XxXxXxXxXx

"Kelle, darling, what the hell is wrong with you?" Genesis said as he leaned over the deranged writer's shoulder as she twitched.

"Suuuuuuugggaaaar," Kelle cooed, grinning as she bounced in her seat.

"I'm not wearing a dress," the redheaded SOLDIER deadpanned.

"Tch, fine," the writer sighed, "CLOUD! GET RENO AND GET OVER HERE NOW!"

XxXxXxXxXx

"This will be our final battle," Sephiroth said, staring at the blond in front of him.

"To decide the fate of the Planet once and for all," Cloud agreed.

Both males stared at one another, sizing the other up. "Ready?" the ex-General asked.

"I've always been ready," the blond replied flippantly.

"Fine," Sephiroth growled, "…GO!"

The fighters turned away from each other, facing the computer screen as the Dance Dance Revolution machine started the hardest song on the hardest level. "There is something so wrong about this," Tifa muttered into her hand as the fighters began stomping on the squares.

XxXxXxXxXx (My spelling is lacking here…)

"J'ai une toure d'eiffel en mon pantalon," Axel said, wiggling his eyebrows at Roxas.

"You have the Eiffel Tower in your pants?"

XxXxXxXxXx

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Xigbar suddenly exclaimed, causing the rest of the Organization to look up from their places at the table, "I give you…YURI!"

The gunner pointed to Axel and Marluxia, sitting side by side. "WE'RE NOT GIRLS!!" the pair shrieked.

"Dudes, you've got girl hips and you've got girl hair, makeup, nails, powers, and you freaking accessorize!"

"We have dicks," Axel seethed.

"And no tits!" Marluxia shrieked.

Xigbar grinned broadly, "Yeah but you're tota-"

"STOP CAUSING FIGHTS AT THE DINNER TABLE!" Xemnas yelled.

XxXxXxXxXx

There's a ladybug on my ceiling. Now it's on my wall. And now the floor. Oh, cat saw it. Get it Loki! Cat I do not fucking want the dead ladybug as a trophy, eat it your own damn self. Hey, I just typed out what I was thinking. That's actually a little sad…

XxXxXxXxXx

Please see 'I'm going to Hell for writing this' as it was originally in this file.

XxXxXxXxXx

Kadaj threw Elena and Tseng's employee IDs at Rufus' feet, "We had fun with them."

"You bastards," Rufus cursed, "What did you do to them?"

"Just enough to have them begging for mercy."

X_x_X_x

Loz and Yazoo circled Elena and Tseng, twin smirks on their faces. The battered Turks were tied to plain wooden chairs back to back, eyes following the Remnants movements closely. "Alright Loz," Yazoo drawled, "Sing for them one more time."

"Noooooooo!" the Turks screamed in unison.

XxXxXxXxXx

The yaoi fairy is in town!

XxXxXxXxXx

Fuck you Therapy, fuck you.

XxXxXxXxXx

Cloud walked along a path, fought some stuff, got a blister. It popped, he bled to death…or didn't…god this is dumb. NEXT IDEA!

XxXxXxXxXx

"I have a question for you," Kairi said suddenly, her eyes trained on her friends Sora and Riku.

"What?" Sora said, tilting his head to the side slightly.

"Why don't guys get urinary tract infections from having butt sex without a condom?"

"…" both males just stared at their friend in shock.

"Well?" the redhead pressed.

"How should we know?" Riku coughed.

"Yeah!" Sora crossed his arms across his chest and pouted, "We use condoms."

"Sora!" Riku hissed, "Shut. Up."

XxXxXxXxXx

"Alright class what have we learned today?" Mr. Strife asked.

"That Tifa's a bitch?" Sora asked.

"…other than that…"

"That Yuffie is a stealing no good whore?"

"You're not allowed to talk anymore."

XxXxXxXxXx

Roxas, Axel, and Demyx stood on the river bank watching the fire floating on top of the water. "What the fuck did you do?" Demyx squeaked, clutching his sitar like a life line.

"I…I honestly don't know," Axel murmured, blinking as he looked at the burning liquid.

"How…what…I didn't know that was possible," Roxas stuttered.

"There is something wrong when water catches fire," Axel said, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow at the blaze.

"I want my mommy," Demyx whimpered before bursting into tears.

XxXxXxXxXx

"How you doin yo?" Reno asked, smirking slightly.

"Oh you know," Cloud said airily as he swung back and forth, suspended from the ceiling by a rope tied around his ankle, "Just hanging around."

"Mhm," the redhead smirked, "So…I'm assuming Denzel."

"That would be my guess."

"Alrighty then," the Turk said, digging into his back pocket. Pulling out his phone, the redhead switched it to the camera feature and snapped a shot. "Have fun with that," Reno called as he turned and walked away.

XxXxXxXxXx

AVALANCH stared in shock as Sephiroth sprouted multiple wings around his waist, Masamune held high. "I am Safer Sephiroth," the winged warrior declared.

"So what, you wear a condom while you hack us apart?" Yuffie asked innocently.

"…MOMMY! THEY'RE BEING MEAN TO ME!!!" Sephiroth cried as he turned and vanished into thin air.

"So…does that mean we win?" Cloud asked the snicker group.

"Yes," Aeris' voice echoed around them, "Planet saved, you can go home now."

"Yay!" the group cried before dispersing.

XxXxXxXxXx

"Why am I always uke?" Cloud asked suddenly.

"Hmm?" Kelle murmured as she looked up from her bowl of ice cream, "Oh…well, Sephiroth would totally own you since he's the General, Zack is the only person who can own Sephiroth, so you don't stand a chance. Leon tops because you're mako enhanced and would destroy him. Genesis is seme because he's creepy and I don't think that it was entirely consensual in that fic. Angeal is freaking Angeal. Rufus…I don't write you with because you two look way too much alike and it creeps me out. Tseng tops you because he has a higher rank than you. You know, there is not enough Tseng and you out there. Um…oh! You top Reno!"

"…RENO GET IN HERE NOW!"

XxXxXxXxXx

Cloud walked down the streets of Midgar, pointedly ignoring the ghost wolf following him. It was really starting to creep him the fuck out. Especially when it would try to sniff his ass and accidentally fall through his body.

XxXxXxXxXx

_More to come if people actually care about my stupid crack bunnies. God, I don't even know why I'm posting this..._


	2. Chapter 2

_Well, people like my insane little ramblings, so I shall continue. All warnings from previous chapter apply._

XxXxXxXxXx

"Is it just me or does the new Smoky the Bear look slightly retarded when he talks?" Axel asked.

"You're just pissed someone is telling people to stop setting fires," Roxas responded as he flipped the page in his magazine.

XxXxXxXxXx

"It's all Hojo's fault!" Kelle screamed as she threw her strategy guide at the wall, "If it weren't for Hojo wanting to be a freaking god no one would have to be hurt! He is directly responsible for every bad thing ever!"

"Um…yeah, we already knew that," Cloud muttered, ducking when a plastic cup was flung at his head.

"Calm down already," Sephiroth sighed, "Just because you can't beat Safer Sephiroth does not mean you need to take it out on us…where did you get a knife?"

XxXxXxXxXx

"Excuse me while I go puke blood," Genesis groaned dramatically.

"You're not puking blood," Angeal sighed.

"You don't know that," the redhead hissed.

"You're pregnant, not dying," the larger male muttered, "Stop being so over dramatic."

"God damn Hojo and his 'enhancements'," Genesis growled as he stalked into the bathroom, "I'm a First Class SOLDIER for fuck's sakes, I don't need morning sickness."

XxXxXxXxXx

"Have you ever noticed Cloud kind of looks like Link from Legend of Zelda with spiky hair?" Zack suddenly asked.

"…." Sephiroth looked up with wide eyes before snorting loudly.

"What?! He does!"

"Oh my god," the General wheezed, "I think I just swallowed my gum!"

XxXxXxXxXx

"Axel…what are you doing?" Roxas tilted his head slightly.

"You can't see me," the redhead muttered.

"Um…yeah I can."

"No you can't!" Axel hissed, "I am in a box, therefore, I am invisible. Video games told me so."

"You went down to Vexen's lab again didn't you?" the blond sighed.

The only response he got was a snake hiss.

XxXxXxXxXx

Kelle sat snickering to herself as she watched Wolf get up from her seat. "Oh Zexy!" Wolf cooed.

"What do you want?" Zexion asked cautiously.

"I want you to meet someone," Wolf smirked, "This…is happy rapist bunny!" The insane writer threw a creepy smiling rabbit at the blue haired male, watching as the viscious beast latched onto the screaming emo.

"Have I mentioned I love you lately?" Kelle smiled as she watched Zexion shriek and run around the room.

XxXxXxXxXx

Kelle sat bopping her head along to the music in her head while a collection of video game characters stared. "You think she'll notice if we make a break for it?" Cloud whispered.

"Yes," Kelle responded.

XxXxXxXxXx

Cat, I'm a kitty cat. And I dance, dance, dance and I dance, dance, dance. Cat, I'm a kitty cat and I dance, dance, dance, and I dance, dance, dance.

XxXxXxXxXx

HOLY SHIT I'M COLD!!!! WHY AM I DRINKING A SMOOTHY WHEN I'M FUCKING FREEZING?! WHYYYYYY?!

XxXxXxXxXx

"I could stab you in the eye," Genesis growled.

"But you won't," Sephiroth responded smoothly, picking up a report on his desk.

"Oh you're so sure of that are you?" the redhead snarled.

"Look," the General said evenly, finally taking his eyes off the report and leveling Genesis with a hard glare, "I am busy right now. If you're going to have a hissy fit over Angeal not inviting you to go out drinking with him and the Puppy then go somewhere else."

"Stab you in the eye."

"Go away."

"Wanna have sex?"

"…go. A. Way."

"Ah come on," the redhead whined, sitting on Sephiroth's desk. Eyeing Genesis with distaste the General suddenly smirked. "I'M LEAVING!" Genesis screamed before fleeing the office.

XxXxXxXxXx

Cloud, naked on top of a table, covered in chocolate sauce with a cherry on each nipple. I don't have anything else to say…I just rather liked the image. :D

XxXxXxXxXx

Oh. My. Gawd. ACC is so pretty. Real eyes are REAL!

XxXxXxXxXx

"There's something wrong with you," Sephiroth dead panned.

Kelle looked up briefly before returning her attention to her laptop. "I already know that," she muttered.

"Yeah well, I just thought I should remind you."

"It's kind of redundant at this point," Kelle shrugged slightly, "And why aren't you in your ballet outfit?"

XxXxXxXxXx

"Kelle!" the deranged writer suddenly shouted, "Now with crazy!"

"Don't you mean crazy pills?" Sephiroth asked.

"Why would I be on pills?"

XxXxXxXxXx

"I have Heartless flu," Cloud groaned.

"What's that?" Leon asked.

"It's like swine flu, but…I forgot the punch line…"

(Why yes, I am that stupid)

XxXxXxXxXx

"Holy shit I'm naked!" Zack screamed.

"Yes," Kelle's voice was unusually quiet, "Yes you are…hold still while I get my camera."

XxXxXxXxXx

What I learned while playing Crisis Core. Zack…has a really nice ass and you can focus the camera on it.

XxXxXxXxXx

"Well Mr. Fair, you've managed to shatter the majority of your leg, broken six ribs, and fractured your skull," the doctor said as he pointed to the x-rays, "You're going to need extensive surgery and bed rest. How did you manage this exactly?"

Zack looked at the doctor for a moment before pointing to the blond next to him. "I jumped Cloud when he got home and he threw me out the window."

"I said I was sorry," Cloud muttered.

XxXxXxXxXx

"Dude…the new Star Trek movie rips off Star Wars the Empire Strikes back!" Zack yelled as he exited the movie theater.

"How so?" Sephiroth asked absently as he sucked on the straw to his soda.

"That scene when Kirk is in the ice world. He gets chased by an ice monster, nearly eaten, and ends up in an ice cave being saved by the old dude! That is the exact scene when Luke gets caught by the ice monster, nearly eaten, and saved by whats his face's memory!"

"No it's not," Sephiroth muttered, tossing his empty soda cup into the trash.

"Yes it is!"

(Seriously, just went and saw Star Trek and that is what I thought during the scene)

XxXxXxXxXx

"Alright Zack today…Zack…ZACK!" Angeal yelled, his student's head whipping to face him, "…as I was saying before you started making faces at Genesis, today you're going to be learning how to use materia."

"I wasn't making faces at Genesis," the smaller brunet huffed, "I was making hand gestures."

"I don't really care. And I can see you Genesis, hiding behind the pillar does not make you invisible, go away so I can teach Zack."

Genesis stepped out from behind the pillar he had been using to ineffectively conceal himself with and blew a raspberry at the pair before turning on his heel and gliding away. "Hey Angeal," Zack said as he picked up one of the materia balls, "What would happen if I ate one of these things?"

"You'd probably get mako poisoning and die," the older SOLDIER answered.

"Oh…I need to go to the infirmary…"

XxXxXxXxXx

(Now a look at how I want to react to certain reviews, also entitled "Why yes, I am a bitch.")

Review: You know Seph and Cloud are enemies right? They would never be in a relationship. Zack and Cloud make so much more sense. It's a shame that some writers can't even follow canon.

Me: …FUCK YOU!!! If you don't like it then don't fucking read it! I don't give a rats ass that you don't like my pairing, I like it. Shut up and stop forcing your opinion on me. And for your fucking information, there is no canon yaoi in Final Fantasy. Fuck, Zack was crushing on Aerith you moron. That's more canon than anything fanfiction writers put up. That's the fucking point, it's fanFICTION! We make shit up! God, get your head out of your ass and get off my profile. (. I have issues with people pushing their pairings on others. Don't comment on MY story about how you don't like the pairing. Just don't read it.)

Reviewer 2: Ew, boys shouldn't be having sex together.

Me: Ew, you shouldn't be allowed in public.

Reviewer with the nerve to fucking get my email address…also known as 3: Homosexuality is wrong. –begins quoting the bible- You should be ashamed of yourself for spreading this filth.

Me: Hello, enjoy the gay porn I am now spamming you with. Aslo…you read it, what does that say about you? –proceeds to spam until I'm blocked-

Reviewer 4: U use teh rong grammr.

Me: …woooow. Just, just wow. Seriously man? (Before you give a critique about someone's grammar or spelling, use proper English yourself.)

Reviewer 5: You're so awesome, I love your story. You should read mine it's about a magic donkey that loves Roxas. –rambles on about their story-

Me: What does that have to do with anything? (Don't get me wrong, I regularly check out the profiles and stories of people who review me, I find it fun to see what kind of people are willing to spend time on my works. But really? Pimping it in a review?)

Reviewer 6: Hot!

Me: Useless feedback!

(I've done the third one :D I said these are things I would like to say, but I don't actually say them. God damn manners are so imbedded into my personality I can't. And admit it, if you're a writer and have gotten these reviews you've thought the same damn thing.)

XxXxXxXxXx

"Do I want to know?" Roxas muttered as he looked at his friend.

Axel stood in front of him in only his jeans, a slightly sheepish expression on his face. Swinging from his nipple was a small crab. "I don't think so…" the redhead sighed, "Just…get Demyx for me will you?"

XxXxXxXxXx

"Hey Zexion," Kelle called, peering into the hole in the wall that the lilac haired male was hiding in, "You know about rapist bunny?"

"Yes! Keep it away!" the small male shrieked.

"Yeah, sure," Kelle muttered, "Well Wolf and I found someone else, we call him raped bunny, be nice." Kelle threw the small, heavily tramitized looking bunny into the hole and walked away.

"You're just like me aren't you?" Zexion's voice drifted out of the hole, "They like to make you suffer for their amusement too."

XxXxXxXxXx

"Hey…you guys," Axel whispered.

"What?" Sephiroth hissed.

"Kelle's unconscious, she took some meds and passed out."

The collection of video game bishis exchanged glances before Roxas crept forward to poke the sleeping writer. "She's not responding…"

"Okay everyone," Cloud whispered, "We need to do this quietly or she'll wake up."

"Spiky, I don't think that's going to be a problem," Zack laughed, grabbing one of Kelle's arms and letting it flop back down onto the desk she was spread over, "She took two muscle relaxants, a pain killer, two different migrain meds, and a valium. No one can stay up after that."

"I'm not asleep," Kelle groaned, "I'm trying to ignore the pain pulsing through my skull. I can take double what I did and go to work. That's nothing."

"Why didn't you react before?" Axel muttered.

"Because," Kelle hissed, turning her head to glare at the redhead, "My head is throbbing and I'm trying to make the world explode with my mind. Go do whatever you want, I don't care."

(I can take that many drugs and not be effected. I've been on meds for waaaay too long, my tolerance is that of a long time junky.)

XxXxXxXxXxXx

"How come when people make dogs fight it's animal cruelty but when two black people fight it's boxing?" Marluxia suddenly asked.

"Oh that's not cool man," Axel said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Way to be racist," Roxas scoffed.

"I can't believe you went there," Xemnas growled, "You aren't the man I thought you were."

"But…I didn't mean…" Marluxia watched with wide eyes as the rest of the group got up and left, shooting him dirty looks in the process.


End file.
